Listening.......

I think God has really been talking to me lately and I have not been listening very well. So recently I have written about forgiving, surrendering and now listening!

Well tonight I was reading my P31 Magazine (which you can get at www.proverbs31.org) there was an devotional  by Lysa TerKeurst ~ Why I am Breaking up with my "Quiet Time", "okay God I am listening" is what was going through  my mind after reading this amazing devotional. I too had made God a routine in my life and that is by far what I want! I need and want him to be the hugest part of my life, to be a part of everything through out my whole entire day, not just 15-30 minutes of it! So here I was hearing God tell me too, "I want to be with you always Lauren, not just sometimes".

Which leads me to where I listened to God tonight, after reading this devotional I was Challenged to read a Chapter of Proverbs everyday until I complete Proverbs. Now Lysa mentioned this in her devotional and I felt God led me there to challenge me. So I started tonight and I read Proverbs Chapter One. Part of the challenge was to ask God to reveal to me which verse was "my verse" and here is the one that spoke to me:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, 

but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Proverbs 1:7

My NIV Life application study Bible has footnotes at the bottom and here is what it said about this verse: The foundation of knowledge is to fear the Lord- to honor and respect God, to live in awe of his power, and to obey his word. 

WOW, did God show me "my verse" this verse spoke to my heart, I want to fear the Lord, I want to Honor him, I want to be filled of his amazing knowledge and obey his Word. I need his knowledge so that I may live a life for him and to be filled with his Grace! I want the Lord to be with me Always!

So tonight I listened when the Lord spoke to me and challenged me, I could have turned my head and said tomorrow Lord but I chose to LISTEN! Are you willing to take the challenge and listen to the Lord too?

Dear Heavenly Father ~

I come to you tonight asking you to forgive me, I never wanted you to be a routine in my life Lord. Please fill my heart and soul with your knowledge, love and grace. Guide and direct me Lord. Help me to have more discipline in my life. Lord I want you to be with me through out the whole entire day not just part of it. Thank you Lord for speaking to my heart tonight and leading me to read this devotional and giving me this challenge. I love you Lord and I want to Honor you all the days of my life.  In Jesus Name ~ Amen

I Surrender to you Lord

 After reading several chapters in "Let.It.Go by Karen Ehman" I was like a numb body with a broken soul and heart, sitting and pondering many things in my  little head and the reason is found on pg. 53 "Lord why have you brought me here?" this should be my prayer! Instead like Karen mentioned in the book I have spent the last 18 years (maybe even longer- yeah longer) asking God "Why me? or What did I do to deserve this?"

Then to top it off Saturday February 9th, 2013 I spent the day at my Church for a Women's Day Conference and one of the topics of a lesson was "What are your top 10 Trust issues? and why have you not given them to God?"..........Oh man, my heart, soul, mind and probably ever inch of my body was grieving inside. I felt totally broken, full of pain, hurt, anger, you name it that was me, crying inside!

In my mind I was whispering, "Why God, Why are you doing this to me? Why do you keep leading me to these studies or conference were I am brought back to the area in my life I am trying to ignore?" the I heard it, "Trust me Lauren". Why is it so hard to release these pains over to God, why do we try to lock them away? Is it the fear of the pain becoming new again? Is it the fear of breaking down again?

Oh My Sisters in Christ today I admit I have been BROKEN for sometime now, my heart is full of tiny scars left from past hurts, new hurts and so much more. I have lived a life full of the bumpy, windy path and I am so ready for the path to be straight and smooth, yet I know it will be when God wants it to be.  I missed the bigger picture until I picked up Karen's book, this whole time instead of Why why why and this is not fair, I should have been asking:

"Lord, Why have you brought me here?" (pg.53 Let.It.Go ~ Karen Ehman)

So here it is, here is my Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father ~

I come to you tonight and I surrender to you Lord. I am so tired of feeling broken, lost and hurt inside. I want the joy , love and laughter to return in my spirit. Oh Lord, I know I have been quiet good at hiding this pain and putting on my best smile but tonight I am waving the white flag. I need you Lord, I need you to help me to understand why you have lead me down these roads and what am I missing. What is the lesson I have missed? I need you to guide me Lord, direct my path, hold me and never let me go. I am ready to start healing and release these things of the past to you Lord. This is hard Lord as you know some of this pain is deep, my brokenness come from the ones I love or loved the most. I need you to help heal these scars left on my heart, fill them with your love, your grace. I am at your mercy Lord. I know this will be hard and it will take time, but knowing you are holding me and I am in your hands, I can do this. I am Trusting in you Lord. You are my Rock, my Redeemer and my Salvation. Clinging to you and giving it all to you. I love you Lord and I know you love me.  

In Jesus Name ~ Amen

Picture found on Pinterest. 

Really God?...You want me to do what?...FORGIVE :(

"Go wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed."
~ 2 Kings 5:10b

Elisha told Naaman to do this to rid Naaman of his leprosy but he refused to at first, he wanted a fast result.......just as you and I ignore certain instructions from the Lord. We too want fast results, why would we possible want to work at something.

Page 130 in Greater by Steven Furtick he ask "What is the Jordan River in your life? What is the one thing about which you would say, "I will do anything God asks me to do -as long as it is not that""?  While reading and re-reading the part in Chapter 9 ~ it hit me hard and my heart was pounding inside my chest.  God was speaking directly towards me in this section of the book.  You see for the longest time I have been ignoring that one request from God, telling myself, everything was fine - Yet it is not. God is asking me to Forgive, he has been telling me over and over to forgive a family member and I have ignored him, the pain is too deep and how could I possibly forgive this person.

I have argued with God over this with the typical "it was not me why should I forgive" or "I didn't do anything wrong, why" then I also told myself I had already forgive but truly I had/have not.  Then again on pg. 130 in Greater, "Is it that one person you said you would never forgive"?....Wow there is was shooting out off the page at me,

"Lauren, trust me it is time to Forgive ~ God".

Oh Lord, WHY? I was so close to this person, talked weekly, I looked up to him, he was my best friend, then like a light switch for No reason, no explanation, he completely shut me out of his life....why why should I forgive, it hurts to much.

It was right then I realized I needed to dip in the Jordan River myself, it was time, Time to Trust and listen to the Lord.

Time To Forgive!

The Bible says in Matthew we are to forgive our brothers, 

"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he has sinned against me? Up to Seven times?" Jesus answered, " I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21

Or one of My favorites ~ Forgive one Another:

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against each one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

God wants us to forgive even when it is the hardest or might hurt, but he will get us threw it.  Just because we forgive does not mean that we have to have a relationship with this person again, we are closing that door and moving forward, not holding on to the past.

So I am going to listen to the Lord and start forgiving - because even though it hurts (hurts a lot) I am going to listen to the instructions I am being told, I am going to take that dip in the Jordan, and I know I can and will get threw this because God is on my side.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; 

my heart trust in him, and I am helped.

Psalm 28:7

I love this statement I heard at my Women's Retreat with my Church "Faith strengthens our hearts ~ as we Trust in the Lord."  So since my faith is strong , I will trust in the Lord and I will Forgive, so that I may be lead to Greater things God has in store for me ~ My Heart will heal.

I can do anything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Picture Created By Veronica L. Herzing

Faith ~ Feeling

Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1 NLT

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1 NIV

I love the the NIV version of the Bible verse, yet I love how they  both show the bigger picture......Belief! This is my favorite bible verse and you could say my life verse! I have been walking by faith for a very long time, unsure of the whys or whens but just trusting in the Lord to lead my way and guide me!

Why do we have Faith? Because it is in our Hearts ~ we feel it in our souls and hearts!

My head spins with so many thoughts over this verse, as I sit here and try to write about my feelings on it. My mind goes a million miles a minute and I can't seem to find the right words or how to put the words together to express my thoughts.

I see words like a diagram in my head on Faith, like the picture below:

All of these thoughts lead right back to GOD, he is the solid base of my Faith, of my Belief! 

The first word that keeps popping out at me is Amazing!   I think of this unconditional love God has for me, I can't see it but I sure can feel it in my heart and soul. 

Then Security  keeps flashing at me over and over. I can't place a shield all around me to block out all the negative evil things of this world (though I would love too) but I know I am safe, I have security in God's arms. He has arms wrapped around me, No I can't see him holding me but I sure can feel them and I know I am secure.

TRUST ~  this one flash non-stop in my thoughts, trust in the Lord Lauren and his promises, trust his word, trust in your Faith! I put all my trust in the Lord and my feeling of my Faith because I know they are real!

The Dictionary defines Faith as: 1. confidence or trust in a person or thing. 2. belief that is not based on proof

The Thesaurus says: definition of faith is: trust in something.

Steven Furtick writes in his book GREATER (which is awesome) on pg. 62 ~"In Scripture, faith isn't just about believing and certainly not about mere thinking. Faith is about action. In fact faith is action. Faith doesn't come full circle, through lofty thoughts but through simple steps. It's why James so pointedly said "Faith without works is dead." (2:26 NKLV) faith isn't a state of mind - it's a course of action. Faith is work."

I read this passage in his book and I think TRUST, my faith in action is Trust, trusting in the Lord. Trust that he is my confidence, my belief and my everything.   

I could go on and on about my thoughts on faith, but that would take you on a very long and probably confusing path. So instead I will leave you with a poem I like about faith.

"By faith"

by: Keith and Kristyn Getty

By faith we see the hand of God

In the light of creation's grand design

In the lives of those who prove His faithfulness

Who walk by faith and not by sight

By faith our fathers roamed the earth

With the power of His promise in their hearts

Of a Holy city built by God's own hand

A place where peace and justice reign

We will stand as children of the promise

We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward

Till the race is finished and the work is done

We'll walk by faith and  not by sight

By faith the prophets saw a day 

When the longed-for Messiah would appear

With the power to break the chains of sin and death

And rise triumphant from the grave

By faith the church was called to go

In the power of the Spirit to the lost

to deliver captive and to preach good news

In every corner of the earth

We will stand...

By faith this mountain shall be moved

And the power of the gospel shall prevail

For we know in Christ all things are possible

For all who call upon His name

Thoughts, Truths, Progress & Thanks

How could I pick only one topic for this weeks Blog Hop On Melissa Taylor's Online Bible Study? 

http://melissataylor.org/

 The choices were to hard, so I decided I am doing all 3!  What a great way to wrap up and end our finale week in the study "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst!


When you look up "thoughts" in the dictionary it lists 12 different definitions.  My favorites are " the act or process of thinking; mental activity" and "a judgement, opinion, or belief." WOW, that pretty much sums it up.

A Judgement - now this makes sense, the thoughts or judgments we place upon our selves or I should say I place upon myself. Thoughts like, " I am not good enough. I am not Pretty. I will fail! they are all against me, I can not do that, I will not be pleasing to the Lord." and the list goes on and on, such judgments/ thoughts I have filled my head with. 

Like Lysa TerKeurst says "These were idle thoughts allowed to run rampant in my mind for so long I confused them with the truth." (see pg 161 in her book Unglued). Such evil thoughts these are to have or to allow to run rampant in my mind. Of course these thoughts run wild and Satan smiles, this is exactly what Satan wants. He wants me to play his evil game that robs me of my time with  the Lord and his truths!

My Soul needs to Exhale (Chapter 11 Title from Unglued- love it) these negative thoughts and inhale the truths of the Lord like:

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart    and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Hebrews 13:21

 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,    I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Like Lysa stats "the best thing I can do is open God's word and immerse myself in his truths." Pg 172.

This is just one of the steps towards my Imperfect Progress .  I am not perfect, nobody is, I can't make all these changes overnight and be free of my negative thoughts  or not allow them to make me come "Unglued" inside/outside but I can continue to make progress and ask God to guide me and hold my hand along the way.

Progress like not stuffing these thoughts but letting them out, turning them over to the Lord. "We must exhale-letting it all out before God." Lysa TerKeurst pg 153 and replacing them with his truths, allowing him to Chisel me, actions I need to allow to happen and take!

God knows the truth and he certainly knows my heart - therefore he knows I will have "Unglued" moments but like Lysa says "If we let it, unglued will allow us to become humbly and beautifully broken before Him." and that is steps towards my Imperfect Progress!

Lysa TerKeurst,  thank you! Thank you for being REAL and expressing what most of us are or were afraid to admit.  That we are Human and we have Raw Emotions, and it is okay.  Thank you for helping me to journey on imperfect progress and helping me to see I am not alone in these battles. May God Continue to use you in ways that are such Blessings to others. God Bless You!

And Finally Melissa Taylor,  I know a thank you to you was not one of the Blog options but THANK YOU!  If it were not for you and your dream, none of these would be possible or happening right now. You have brought so many beautiful sisters of Christ together and that is the Lord moving in you! You are truly an inspiration, role model full of Grace and love.   You are an amazing Leader ~ I am sure I speak for all of us on your Facebook team and all the women who follow your blog when I say "We love You" and you have truly Blessed my life!  I look forward to continuing this journey with you and God Bless you always.

 Lord Continue to Chisel Me!

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:1-2

Jealous, Why? Confused ~ Yet Blessed

On September 26, 2012 I read a blog titled" Mommy, I love you" written about Nancy L. Miksad by her daughter. Nancy is very dear to my heart and God brought us together so reading this blog moved me beyond words ~ It was Beautiful!

Nancy's daughter wrote about how her mom taught her traditions, love, friendship and how to Love like Jesus! I was touched by her words, I admit I cried and I cried for two reasons. One it was so beautiful, her words were so moving, it came from her heart & soul. It was awesome how she expressed her gratefulness, inspiration and love for her mom. 

Then I cried because I felt the J-Word!  I was Jealous....................yep Jealous!  And I felt guilty for feeling this way. I started thinking about my jealousy and I felt like the Philistines towards Issac in Genesis 26:12-16. I was jealous of this girls' good fortune (her childhood & relationship with her mom). I was feeling like pg 131 (Unglued- Lysa TerKeurst) "spinney vines of jealousy choke the joy out of me." and yes I felt like the joy was being choked right out of me and I felt empty!

See I was jealous because I didn't have that wonderful childhood, or the mother/daughter or let alone father/daughter relationship growing up. I didn't have traditions taught to me, or passed down to me, I didn't have someone teaching me to love like Jesus and yes I was jealous and was wondering out loud to god, WHY? this is not fair Lord, why was I stripped of all these things a girl longs for, why? All these things I wanted so bad in life and yet I will never have these things.  I was at that point like pg 131 (Unglued ~ Lysa TerKeurst) "Standing in front of a mirror and all I see is what's lacking. what I am not. What I don't have. what I can't do." then I stared questioning my self and who I am. How did I end up the way I am?

Unglued ~ Lysa TerKeurst Pg. 132

How did I acquire a good heart, why am I not messed up? How can I show love or be a caring person, how is this eve possible? It was at that point I was feeling very low and crying out to God, why, why, why? that I realized I had taken my eyes off God, my focus shifted, I was not focusing on him at all, I allowed Satan to keep pushing the jealousy button. Like pg. 136 (Unglued) "Isn't it just like Satan to want to distract me from this? Satan is a liar who steals, kills and destroys." Yes Satan was having fun with my jealousy and I was feeling guilt and shame.....Oh Lord please forgive me!

I realized (with imperfect progress) I might not have a had a childhood filled with traditions, great memories or even tons of love, But God was always with me, this I know now and that is why and who I am today because of him.  He lead me on these paths to mold me into who I am.  Even though I thought my eyes were not on him (when I was younger) they truly were. Pg 136 (Unglued) "And I thank God for the protection." I would not be who I am today if God did not have his arms around me and his love surrounding me. He had me in his hands from day one.

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands ~ Isaiah 49:16a

God Created me, he blessed me with my caring heart, the giving of love to others, kindness and yes even my Raw Emotions, that tend to not be so great at times, like being jealous! 

"All the things I have and don't have are what make up the unique load I've bee assigned."

~ Unglued, Lysa TerKeurst pg. 137~

I am his daughter ~ I am his beautiful princess. So I will wear my invisible crown of Beauty & Grace and my emptiness no more, jealousy turned into inspiration for the future (and my future children). My heart is full, full of God's love and love to give. So thank you Nancy's daughter for opening my eyes to the things I had stuffed away for years, allowing me to let go of the hurt I had kept in for so long and letting God!

No matter what I have God ~ He is my Abba! and I will continue to grow and make Imperfect Progress!

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else,  for each one should carry their own load. 

Galatians 6:4-5

~ The Big Explosion and then the Shame ~

Was I ever the "Exploder ~ Who Shames Herself," this week!

I know not very good. and I felt it all that is for sure, and it wore me out!

Well earlier this week at work it was mentioned to me about making someones job easier for them but in turn making mine, more stressful, more work load with less time! On that day I was like pg. 65 (Unglued ~ by Lysa Terkeurst) "A Jesus girl who rises up and unexpectedly gives grace when when she surely could have done otherwise." yep I accepted the task and just repeated to myself Grace, Grace, Grace and thought to my self " I am being diligent to God. He knows my hard work

The plans of the diligent lead to profit

 as surely as haste leads to poverty. 

 ~ Proverbs 21:5 ~

Well the next day I was not a "Jesus Girl", nope I was the The Exploder, who Shamed myself later. In the middle of our meeting to discuss this new tasks that would be added to my work load, I got very upset.  Well there was no moment of pausing for me, no moment of me thinking before I reacted, no moment of Grace what so ever in the room.  I Exploded and I exploded in a very big way.  I believe my words went something like this:

"You have NO clue what I do for this Company." 

"You have No Clue how Over-whelmed I am."

"You don't even care!"

"Why would I possible think after 11 1/2 years things would be any different ~ shame on me."

Yep I EXPLODED! and not just to anyone in the Company but none other than my Boss, the Owner of the Company. Yeah I can just image what you are thinking right now....WOW!  Well after I stormed out of his office, crying and frustrated and angry, that is when the SHAME started to slap me in the face. I went for a walk and was thinking to myself, Lauren why, why did you not think before you responded? Why did you just fire off like that? That was not very Christian like or Godly in any way at all. I certainly was not like the Memory Verse for Chapter 5 (Unglued):

Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ~ 1 Peter 5:8 ~  

Oh no, my guard was down and Satan had a good time using me at that moment and it hurt. It hurt deep in my heart and I wished I could have turned back time but I couldn't. Instead I turned to the Lord in prayer and spoke to him, told him of my shame and asked for forgiveness and grace. I feel that even though I was an "Exploder ~ that shamed herself" I also realized that I need work, and I am making imperfect progress to being able to control my emotions. 

I want to be a Proverbs Women:

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 

~ Proverbs 31:26~

Lord, 

Please touch my heart and give me Grace.  Remind me that I am making imperfect progress with baby steps. Quiet my tongue when it needs to be and give me that "Power in the Pause" moment to turn to you Lord and ask for the wisdom and knowledge that I am so in need of during these situations.  I want to be a "Jesus Girl" shine a bright light for you Lord. Protect my heart and help me to be self-controlled and alert. Guide me away from the enemy and lead me to be faithful to you to Lord. In Jesus Name ~ Amen