Saturday, October 27, 2012

Jealous, Why? Confused ~ Yet Blessed

On September 26, 2012 I read a blog titled" Mommy, I love you" written about Nancy L. Miksad by her daughter. Nancy is very dear to my heart and God brought us together so reading this blog moved me beyond words ~ It was Beautiful!

Nancy's daughter wrote about how her mom taught her traditions, love, friendship and how to Love like Jesus! I was touched by her words, I admit I cried and I cried for two reasons. One it was so beautiful, her words were so moving, it came from her heart & soul. It was awesome how she expressed her gratefulness, inspiration and love for her mom. 

Then I cried because I felt the J-Word!  I was Jealous....................yep Jealous!  And I felt guilty for feeling this way. I started thinking about my jealousy and I felt like the Philistines towards Issac in Genesis 26:12-16. I was jealous of this girls' good fortune (her childhood & relationship with her mom). I was feeling like pg 131 (Unglued- Lysa TerKeurst) "spinney vines of jealousy choke the joy out of me." and yes I felt like the joy was being choked right out of me and I felt empty!

See I was jealous because I didn't have that wonderful childhood, or the mother/daughter or let alone father/daughter relationship growing up. I didn't have traditions taught to me, or passed down to me, I didn't have someone teaching me to love like Jesus and yes I was jealous and was wondering out loud to god, WHY? this is not fair Lord, why was I stripped of all these things a girl longs for, why? All these things I wanted so bad in life and yet I will never have these things.  I was at that point like pg 131 (Unglued ~ Lysa TerKeurst) "Standing in front of a mirror and all I see is what's lacking. what I am not. What I don't have. what I can't do." then I stared questioning my self and who I am. How did I end up the way I am?

Unglued ~ Lysa TerKeurst Pg. 132

How did I acquire a good heart, why am I not messed up? How can I show love or be a caring person, how is this eve possible? It was at that point I was feeling very low and crying out to God, why, why, why? that I realized I had taken my eyes off God, my focus shifted, I was not focusing on him at all, I allowed Satan to keep pushing the jealousy button. Like pg. 136 (Unglued) "Isn't it just like Satan to want to distract me from this? Satan is a liar who steals, kills and destroys." Yes Satan was having fun with my jealousy and I was feeling guilt and shame.....Oh Lord please forgive me!

I realized (with imperfect progress) I might not have a had a childhood filled with traditions, great memories or even tons of love, But God was always with me, this I know now and that is why and who I am today because of him.  He lead me on these paths to mold me into who I am.  Even though I thought my eyes were not on him (when I was younger) they truly were. Pg 136 (Unglued) "And I thank God for the protection." I would not be who I am today if God did not have his arms around me and his love surrounding me. He had me in his hands from day one.

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands ~ Isaiah 49:16a

God Created me, he blessed me with my caring heart, the giving of love to others, kindness and yes even my Raw Emotions, that tend to not be so great at times, like being jealous! 

"All the things I have and don't have are what make up the unique load I've bee assigned."
~ Unglued, Lysa TerKeurst pg. 137~

I am his daughter ~ I am his beautiful princess. So I will wear my invisible crown of Beauty & Grace and my emptiness no more, jealousy turned into inspiration for the future (and my future children). My heart is full, full of God's love and love to give. So thank you Nancy's daughter for opening my eyes to the things I had stuffed away for years, allowing me to let go of the hurt I had kept in for so long and letting God!

No matter what I have God ~ He is my Abba! and I will continue to grow and make Imperfect Progress!

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else,  for each one should carry their own load. 

Galatians 6:4-5

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

~ The Big Explosion and then the Shame ~

Was I ever the "Exploder ~ Who Shames Herself," this week!

I know not very good. and I felt it all that is for sure, and it wore me out!

Well earlier this week at work it was mentioned to me about making someones job easier for them but in turn making mine, more stressful, more work load with less time! On that day I was like pg. 65 (Unglued ~ by Lysa Terkeurst) "A Jesus girl who rises up and unexpectedly gives grace when when she surely could have done otherwise." yep I accepted the task and just repeated to myself Grace, Grace, Grace and thought to my self " I am being diligent to God. He knows my hard work

The plans of the diligent lead to profit
 as surely as haste leads to poverty. 
 ~ Proverbs 21:5 ~

Well the next day I was not a "Jesus Girl", nope I was the The Exploder, who Shamed myself later. In the middle of our meeting to discuss this new tasks that would be added to my work load, I got very upset.  Well there was no moment of pausing for me, no moment of me thinking before I reacted, no moment of Grace what so ever in the room.  I Exploded and I exploded in a very big way.  I believe my words went something like this:

"You have NO clue what I do for this Company." 
"You have No Clue how Over-whelmed I am."
"You don't even care!"
"Why would I possible think after 11 1/2 years things would be any different ~ shame on me."

Yep I EXPLODED! and not just to anyone in the Company but none other than my Boss, the Owner of the Company. Yeah I can just image what you are thinking right now....WOW!  Well after I stormed out of his office, crying and frustrated and angry, that is when the SHAME started to slap me in the face. I went for a walk and was thinking to myself, Lauren why, why did you not think before you responded? Why did you just fire off like that? That was not very Christian like or Godly in any way at all. I certainly was not like the Memory Verse for Chapter 5 (Unglued):

Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ~ 1 Peter 5:8 ~  

Oh no, my guard was down and Satan had a good time using me at that moment and it hurt. It hurt deep in my heart and I wished I could have turned back time but I couldn't. Instead I turned to the Lord in prayer and spoke to him, told him of my shame and asked for forgiveness and grace. I feel that even though I was an "Exploder ~ that shamed herself" I also realized that I need work, and I am making imperfect progress to being able to control my emotions. 

I want to be a Proverbs Women:

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 
~ Proverbs 31:26~

Please touch my heart and give me Grace.  Remind me that I am making imperfect progress with baby steps. Quiet my tongue when it needs to be and give me that "Power in the Pause" moment to turn to you Lord and ask for the wisdom and knowledge that I am so in need of during these situations.  I want to be a "Jesus Girl" shine a bright light for you Lord. Protect my heart and help me to be self-controlled and alert. Guide me away from the enemy and lead me to be faithful to you to Lord. In Jesus Name ~ Amen

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Prisoner, Who puts labels on Herself

I am stuck in hard places and been putting labels on myself :(  Why?  Why do I do this when in my heart I know I am God's masterpiece. After reading chapter 3 in Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst,  my eyes were opened to the reality I have been ignoring.........the Labels I have been attaching to myself.

Here are the labels I have attached to myself:

Label One: I have Discoid Lupus (which is on the skin), so it mostly appears on my face ~ the biggest spot is on my the lower right side of my chin about the size of a quarter or so.  So when I look in the mirror and see this spot I think to myself, " How could anyone possibly think I am pretty?"

Here is the Bible verse I turn to when I think this
1 Peter 3:3-4 NIV
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  

Notice I have highlighted and changed some of the words to different colors in this bible verse, because these are the words the hit my heart when I turn to this bible verse! These words remind me that God loves me for ME and he thinks I am Perfect, Beautiful and his Masterpiece.

Label Two:  I AM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!  oh this should be my number one label because I put this one on myself over and over and over again...I know, horrible. Yet I keep doing it. So many people (yes family members) have walked out of my life and I blamed myself and put this label on myself ..I know Ouch! Or if I try something new and fail, or I don't finish a project at work on time, get the laundry done, house cleaned, and the list goes on,  yep you got it I put that big old label on myself.

So again I turn to my Bible and God with:
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

God reminds me that I am Good Enough and he is for me.  I have this verse every where so when I start thinking of that horrible label, I read it and I talk to God!

Which is why I love  pg. 33 (Unglued) where it says "Labels only stick if I let them" Lysa Terkeurst.

So I have become a prisoner to my own awful labels, MINE, not ones that others have put on me but all my own. Well not anymore, I am going to allow the Lord to chisel me and  get rid of all those negative thoughts and replace them with God thoughts.  Like the list of bible verse below.

for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared. Proverbs 3:26 
He is my Confidence

I love you, O Lord, my strength. Psalm 18:1
He is my strength

give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. 1 Chronicles 16:34
He will love me Forever! ( This is my favorite)

And with Grace, I will  start removing the labels and open my eyes to see the Beauty & Workmanship that God sees in me.I have to remind myself that I am the only one who can remove those yucky labels and that I have God on my side and he Loves me.

As Lysa says on pg. 41 "Let God Chisel. "Trust me," God says, "it will be beautiful you'll see."

How beautiful you are, my darling!  Song of Songs 4:1a 
All beautiful you are my darling; there  is no flaw in you. Song of Songs 4:7