Nancy's daughter wrote about how her mom taught her traditions, love, friendship and how to Love like Jesus! I was touched by her words, I admit I cried and I cried for two reasons. One it was so beautiful, her words were so moving, it came from her heart & soul. It was awesome how she expressed her gratefulness, inspiration and love for her mom.
Then I cried because I felt the J-Word! I was Jealous....................yep Jealous! And I felt guilty for feeling this way. I started thinking about my jealousy and I felt like the Philistines towards Issac in Genesis 26:12-16. I was jealous of this girls' good fortune (her childhood & relationship with her mom). I was feeling like pg 131 (Unglued- Lysa TerKeurst) "spinney vines of jealousy choke the joy out of me." and yes I felt like the joy was being choked right out of me and I felt empty!
See I was jealous because I didn't have that wonderful childhood, or the mother/daughter or let alone father/daughter relationship growing up. I didn't have traditions taught to me, or passed down to me, I didn't have someone teaching me to love like Jesus and yes I was jealous and was wondering out loud to god, WHY? this is not fair Lord, why was I stripped of all these things a girl longs for, why? All these things I wanted so bad in life and yet I will never have these things. I was at that point like pg 131 (Unglued ~ Lysa TerKeurst) "Standing in front of a mirror and all I see is what's lacking. what I am not. What I don't have. what I can't do." then I stared questioning my self and who I am. How did I end up the way I am?
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Unglued ~ Lysa TerKeurst Pg. 132
How did I acquire a good heart, why am I not messed up? How can I show love or be a caring person, how is this eve possible? It was at that point I was feeling very low and crying out to God, why, why, why? that I realized I had taken my eyes off God, my focus shifted, I was not focusing on him at all, I allowed Satan to keep pushing the jealousy button. Like pg. 136 (Unglued) "Isn't it just like Satan to want to distract me from this? Satan is a liar who steals, kills and destroys." Yes Satan was having fun with my jealousy and I was feeling guilt and shame.....Oh Lord please forgive me!
I realized (with imperfect progress) I might not have a had a childhood filled with traditions, great memories or even tons of love, But God was always with me, this I know now and that is why and who I am today because of him. He lead me on these paths to mold me into who I am. Even though I thought my eyes were not on him (when I was younger) they truly were. Pg 136 (Unglued) "And I thank God for the protection." I would not be who I am today if God did not have his arms around me and his love surrounding me. He had me in his hands from day one.
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands ~ Isaiah 49:16a
God Created me, he blessed me with my caring heart, the giving of love to others, kindness and yes even my Raw Emotions, that tend to not be so great at times, like being jealous!
"All the things I have and don't have are what make up the unique load I've bee assigned."
~ Unglued, Lysa TerKeurst pg. 137~
I am his daughter ~ I am his beautiful princess. So I will wear my invisible crown of Beauty & Grace and my emptiness no more, jealousy turned into inspiration for the future (and my future children). My heart is full, full of God's love and love to give. So thank you Nancy's daughter for opening my eyes to the things I had stuffed away for years, allowing me to let go of the hurt I had kept in for so long and letting God!
No matter what I have God ~ He is my Abba! and I will continue to grow and make Imperfect Progress!
Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.
Galatians 6:4-5 |
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